In a couple of months, on March 23rd, I'll be giving a talk about Interpersonal Neurobiology called How we Heal.
One of the most confusing things about this process is that we have to feel to heal.
When we have experiences that we need to heal from - those feelings and experiences get hidden away inside so we can keep going with our lives.
We learn very precise ways to cope with this - we develop all kinds of ways to keep these feelings from being touched and awakened and overwhelming us.
Our whole lives there can be the feeling that this place inside is a place we don't go. We do everything we can not to feel that way.
So when our lives become more supported and we have the resources we need to heal, a huge shift begins to happen.
These feelings start to arise MORE often. The least little thing seems to open up these raw feelings and we wonder 'what is wrong me?'. It feels like moving backwards...
The thing is - in order for these experiences to heal - they have to open up. They can't re-weave themselves when they are closed and hidden away.
And we know these neural nets are open when we feel these strong emotions and sensations.
But it's not enough for them just to open up and be felt.
If we open up and have the same kind of experience of aloneness or being shamed or misunderstood or ignored that we always had... this isn't healing. It's re-traumatizing.
What is healing is when these tender places inside open up and are met, unexpectedly, with care and companionship and interest and understanding.
This kind of experience, especially when is happens again and again and begins to feel reliable, truly re-weaves the connections in our nervous systems.
And amazing things can happen.
I'll be sharing more about this during the talk on March 23rd. And more about how this process feels in real life. I hope you can join me.